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Thread: Where is the humor on here?

  1. #1011
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    sprink131371 is offline DI Junior Member
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    Default Women Golfers

    A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

    Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

    The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."

    "Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

    But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him, "How does that feel?"

    To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
    If we all agreed, we would all be Communists - Me

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    Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.




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    Default

    Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

  4. #1014
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    Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

  5. #1015
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    Default

    Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

  6. #1016
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    Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

  7. #1017
    Eaglescout is offline DI Junior Member
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    Smile The Polite Way To Pee

    During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

    "Michael, if you are on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

    Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee."

    The teacher responded by saying: "That would be rude and impolite.

    What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"

    Sherman said: "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

    "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.

    And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"

    Johnny said, " I would say: Darling may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after after dinner."

    The teacher fainted.

  8. #1018
    garbonzo is offline DI Senior Member
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    Default

    An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...

    The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
    86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.'

    I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.
    'So what do you think about that Doc ?'

    The doctor considered his question for a minute and
    then began to tell a story.

    'I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter
    and never misses a season.'

    One day he was setting off to go hunting.

    In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.'

    'As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.

    He realised he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.

    Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favourite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.

    Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.
    Now, what do you think of that ? asked the doctor.

    The 86-year-old said ,
    'Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.'

    The doctor replied , 'My point exactly.'

  9. #1019
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    Default

    A man comes home early from work to find his wife in bed with his best friend. He flips out and goes into a rage, beating his naked friend to a bloody pulp and then finally throws him out of the window, severely hurting the naked man.

    "Well", his wife say's "If that's how your going to behave, you won't have many friends left!".

    Jim.




  10. #1020
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    Talking "Titanic" versus Bill Clinton's "My Life"

    Students at a local school near where I live were assigned to read 2 books, 'Titanic' and 'My Life' by Bill Clinton .

    One student turned in the following book report,
    With the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!

    His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.

    Titanic:....... Cost - $29.99
    Clinton :..... Cost - $29.99

    Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read
    Clinton :... Over 3 hours to read

    Titanic:...... The story of Jack and Rose , their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
    Clinton :... The story of Bill and Monica , their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

    Titanic:........ Jack is a starving artist.
    Clinton :..... Bill is a bullshit artist.

    Titanic:....... In one scene, Jack en joys a good cigar.
    Clinton :.... Ditto for Bill .

    Titanic:....... During the ordeal, Rose 's dress gets ruined.
    Clinton :..... Ditto for Monica .

    Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
    Clinton :... Let's not go there.

    Titanic:....... Rose gets to keep her jewellery.
    Clinton :... Monica ' s forced to return her gifts.

    Titanic:........ Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
    Clinton :..... Clinton doesn't remember Monica .

    Titanic:........ Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
    Clinton :..... Monica .. ooh, let's not go there, either.

    Titanic:....... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
    Clinton :..... Bill goes home to Hillary -- basically the same thing

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