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Thread: Where is the humor on here?

  1. #1121
    Rhoody is offline DI Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Knowdafish View Post
    "YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN MEMBER IF..."


    9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.

    shxx, I am taliban ...

    anyway, how you can force a Philippine girl to commit suicide....

    ... put a mirror on the bottom of a swimming pool...

  2. #1122
    jimeve's Avatar
    jimeve is online now DI Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rhoody View Post
    shxx, I am taliban ...

    anyway, how you can force a Philippine girl to commit suicide....

    ... put a mirror on the bottom of a swimming pool...
    Or a camera.




  3. #1123
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    jimeve is online now DI Member
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    Default Old is when...



    'OLD' IS WHEN . . .
    Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs And make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'

    'OLD' IS WHEN . . .
    Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes And you're barefoot .....

    'OLD' IS WHEN . . .
    Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face .....

    'OLD' IS WHEN . . . .
    You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along .....

    'OLD' IS WHEN . . .
    You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police .

    'OLD' IS WHEN. .
    'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fiber today .....

    'OLD' IS WHEN . . .
    'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot .....

    'OLD' IS WHEN . . .
    An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom .....

    AND

    'OLD' IS WHEN . . .
    You are not sure if these are facts or jokes?


    (I sent this in large type
    so you can read it)


  4. #1124
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    Bank Robber

    A hooded robber burst into a Texas bank and forced
    The tellers to load a sack full of cash.
    On his way out the door, a brave Texas customer
    grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber's
    face.


    The robber shot the customer without a moment's
    hesitation.

    He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the
    tellers looking straight at him.
    The robber instantly shot him also.


    Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently
    down at the floor in silence.
    The Robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my
    face?"


    There are a few moments of utter silence, in which
    everyone was plainly afraid to speak.
    Then one old man tentatively raised his hand and
    said, "I think my wife may have caught a glimpse of you."

  5. #1125
    garbonzo is offline DI Member
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    Default Truth in advertising.....

    House and Lot For Sale (Code: RH-6912) - Cebu City, Cebu, Philippines

    'Beautiful house and lot located in a 24/7 guarded subdivision. Near to schools with robbing guards during night time.'

  6. #1126
    Panday Pera's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by garbonzo View Post
    House and Lot For Sale (Code: RH-6912) - Cebu City, Cebu, Philippines

    'Beautiful house and lot located in a 24/7 guarded subdivision. Near to schools with robbing guards during night time.'
    They probably don't get paid much..hehehe

  7. #1127
    Panday Pera's Avatar
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    Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

    One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.

    However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

    A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill, but one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! --there sat Bill! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?'

    Bill replied, 'I have been in jail.'

    'Jail?' cried Sam. 'What in the world for?'

    'Well,' Bill said, 'you know Mary, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometime go?'

    'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?'

    'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded guilty'

    'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'

  8. #1128
    ejboerma is offline DI Member
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    Default Bus conversation

    A little boy got on the bus and sat down beside a man who was reading a book.
    He saw that the man wore his collar backwards.
    The boy asked why he was wearing his collar so strange.
    The man, who was a priest told him, 'I am a Father. "
    The boy replied, "My father does not wear his collar that way".
    The priest looked up from his book and answered,
    "I am the father of many".
    The boy said, "My father has 4 sons, 4 daughters and 2 grandchildren and does not wear his collar like that".
    The priest, who became now impatiently said, "I am the father of hundreds" and read further in his book.
    The boy wondered about that last answer, then leaned to the priest and said, "Perhaps more sensible to use a condom and wear your pants backwards instead of your collar "

  9. #1129
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    grandpainak is offline DI Member
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    Default The Husband Store

    The Husband Store

    A store that sells new husbands opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband.

    Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

    You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors & the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper
    may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

    A beautiful single woman tired of the dating scene rushed to the Husband Store to find a husband.

    On the first floor she encountered a sign on the door that read:

    Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

    She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

    Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

    'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

    So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

    Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking....

    'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

    She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

    Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

    'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

    Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

    Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

    She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

    Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

    PLEASE NOTE:

    To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

    Each floor posts a sign that describes potential wives - just like at the Husband Store.

    Floor 1 - These women have great legs and wear stockings.

    Floor 2 - These women have great legs, wear stockings and love sex.

    Floor 3 - These women have great legs, wear stockings, love sex, and enjoy football.

    Floor 4 - These women have great legs, wear stockings, love sex, enjoy football and drink beer.

    The fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
    If money talks, than CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM SINGS!

    Jim




  10. #1130
    grandpainak's Avatar
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    Default Careful what you kick

    A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since he live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.
    "Not yet," said the little boy.
    His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
    Well, he's a little ticked off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast
    and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
    "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
    "Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."
    Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat half way across the kitchen.
    The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile and says, "You going to tell him, or should I?"
    If money talks, than CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM SINGS!

    Jim

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