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Thread: Where is the humor on here?

  1. #731
    progmeister's Avatar
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    Love me
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    Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

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    Just do it!!!
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    Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.




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    Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

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    You thought it was something else, didn't you?
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    Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

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    Default Dear Abby

    DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER THE FOLLOWING!


    Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?


    Dear Abby, What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence On My VCR?


    Dear Abby, I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.


    Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.


    Dear Abby, I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.


    Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?


    Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?


    Dear Abby, My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.


    Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.


    Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short tempered I think she is going through mental pause.


    Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?

    Remember these people can vote
    If money talks, than CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM SINGS!

    Jim

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    Default Do you know these guys?

    Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they're walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

    The first hunter says ' Wow, that's some hole, I can't even see the bottom, I wonder how deep it is?' The second hunter says' I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom.'

    The first hunter says ' There's this old transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see'. So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.

    They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind em. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole with no hesitation, and jump in headfirst.
    While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole, and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up. 'Say there', says the farmer, 'you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?'

    The first hunter says ' Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!'

    And the old farmer said ' Why that's impossible, I had him chained to a transmission! '
    If money talks, than CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM SINGS!

    Jim

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    Default Au yes the US Government

    Whether Democrat or Republican, I think you'll get a kick out of this!

    A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
    I am the head of the family, so call me The President. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People. The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class; and your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
    Now think about that and see if it makes sense."
    So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
    Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
    The next morning, the little boy says to his father,
    "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. " The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
    The little boy replies,

    "The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."
    If money talks, than CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM SINGS!

    Jim

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    Eaglescout is offline DI Member
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    Post The Royal Wedding Night

    Camilla bought new shoes for her wedding which got increasingly tighter and tighter as the day went on.

    That night, when the festivities were finally over and they retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said, "Charles, darling. Please remove my shoes. My feet are killing me!"

    Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigor, but it would not budge.

    "Harder!" yelled Camilla.

    "Harder!" Charles yelled back, "I'm trying, darling! But it's just so bloody tight!"

    "Come on! Give it all you've got!" she cried.

    Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla exclaimed, "There! Oh, God, that feels so good!"

    In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, "See? I told you with a face like that, she was still a virgin!"

    Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, "Oh, god, darling! This one;s even tighter!"

    At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen, "That's my boy: once a Navy man. always a Navy man!"

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    What do you call an Irish fella bouncing off the walls? Rick O'Shea

    What do you call a French guy wearing sandals? Philippe Philoppe

    What do you call an Italian chap with a rubber toe? Roberto



    A Spanish firemans wife had twin boys, he called the first one Jose, and the second one Hose B.


    A man walks into a butchers shop and points to some pieces of meat on a shelf above the butcher.

    "I bet you 50 that I can reach those bits of meat from here", he says to the butcher.

    The butcher replies, "Sorry mate, I don't bet, the steaks are too high"



    I just answered the door to a six foot beetle who smacked me round the head, told me to f#*k off and then crawled away. Apparently there's a nasty bug going around.


    Two TV aerials meet on a rooftop & fall in love, they decide to marry.

    The ceremony was crap, but the reception was great.



    A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for
    > shorts.The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."


    A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
    "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
    The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".


    A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is
    there anything you can do for him? "
    "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
    So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
    Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
    "What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
    "No, because he's really heavy"


    Bear walks into a bar and says,

    "I'd like a ...........

    ........











    Beer.

    Barman says, "Why the big paws?"


    Paddy takes Mick* for a ride in his light aeroplane. On landing, the runway seems terribly short and they are forced to a screeching halt. Paddy turns to Mick, "Begorrah," he says, "that was a short runway."
    "Oi", replies Mick, looking round, "but look how feckin' wide it is!"




  10. #740
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    This video is about four seconds long. You will not be disappointed.
    Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

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